Day 25: The Gift of Practicing Grief with a Broken Heart
of The Heart of God: Through David’s Eyes
Below is Day Twenty-Five of the study, but there is an introduction to check out which gives context and sets the tone, and previous weeks to look at below. If you would like the full content all in one place, this book is now available for purchase on Amazon. Week 1 - He Longs for Us to Know Who We Are
Week 2 - He Longs for Us to Respond
Week 3 - He Longs for Us to Know Him
Week 4 - He Longs for Us to Reflect His Heart
Day 22: How Despair & Community Impact We Reflect God’s Heart
Day 23: Benefits of Noticing and Experiencing God’s Righteous Anger
Day 24: Why Extending Mercy Increases Compassion
Day 25: The Gift of Practicing Grief with a Broken Heart
When you feel grief, the root of this emotion can be from a lot of things. The most familiar are death and loss, but grief is a tricky little booger that shows up in countless facets of life. We feel pain when seasons change, when people move away. The real grief of all these things is the distance between what could have been and what actually is. There is a deep mourning that needs to happen when we also must feel the pain of growth, of moving forward, and when we leave the other things behind. Our sin is no different.
Our choice to sin leaves a huge pile of feelings, of “what could have been” grief. For me, experiencing this type of visceral grief has been incredibly healing in the way I view others and the depth of which I allow myself to experience the pain of the reality I am facing.
While this seems to be regret or a desire to control, these feelings of deep grief are actually incredibly submissive in nature. They allow us to release control and look back at what could have been with sadness or righteous anger instead of despair or rage. Most importantly, to mourn the pain of sin and its natural consequences leads to an incredible awareness of the pain God experiences in loving us.
Whenever we choose to love someone, we are risking rejection, loss, hurt, and pain. Loving others is an emotionally-costly endeavor. To love someone is to allow their actions to impact the way we feel. Be careful to avoid confusing feelings with actions in this description. The way others respond to our feelings is not our responsibility. What we can take ownership for is our feelings, which often live below the surface. These core feelings we experience, sometimes subconsciously, occur whether we are aware of them or not. Our bodies may react to our circumstances long before we comprehend how we feel.
In effort to truly love others, we can accept them when they are broken, offer mercy when they sin against us, and place boundaries when we are heartbroken when our mercy does not deeply impact them. Each of these steps requires us to feel brokenhearted. To process our broken heartedness is to mourn.
📸: Vickie Intili (pexels)
The mourning process happens through experiencing the pain of what we have lost and what could have been. Yes, this may be overwhelming. David frequently mourns or laments in the Psalms. Allowing himself to experience the feelings of overwhelm brings clarity and peace to his situation.
You are my King and my God, who decrees victories for Jacob.Through you we push back our enemies; through your name we trample our foes. I put no trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame.In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever.But now you have rejected and humbled us; you no longer go out with our armies. You made us retreat before the enemy, and our adversaries have plundered us.You gave us up to be devoured like sheep and have scattered us among the nations.You sold your people for a pittance, gaining nothing from their sale. (Psalm 44:4-12)
David’s grief suited his situation. He was grieving the distance he felt from the humility God was offering him. God was displaying his incredible power by withholding His might. To some, this would seem cruel, but David understood the complicated ways God displayed His love. David was not full of rage but full of sadness for the way they took for granted the countless times God handed them a victory.
Grief catches us by surprise, but most often, we need to process and feel it. To mourn frequently is to notice our need to grieve what could have been in our current reality. If we do not keep up with this practice, it can pile up, and we end up experiencing despair due to the incredible amounts of grief we forgot or refused to work through.
What is your most apparent topic(s) of needing to grieve (areas you may need to look at: loss, relationships, expectations, decisions of others, God’s interventions or unexpected actions, etc.)?
Allowing yourself to feel grief is a discipline that gets more natural with practice. How often are you allowing yourself to experience the grief you feel?
While grief is a helpful thing to process, it can become despair if we are not thoughtful about surrounding ourselves with support. Brainstorm some friends you can reach out to who can check in on you and you can discuss your grief with. A handful of safe, trusted friends would be a fantastic support system.
Reflection
Consider a reasonable amount of growth in this area of grief and make a goal for yourself. Write a simple, measurable goal that will allow you to practice the skill of feeling your grief. For example, you may want to carve out an hour or two in an evening where you do not have any human interactions planned. When will you set aside time this week to grieve? (Note: It may be wise to ensure you have about an hour after your designated time just in case you need time to emotionally bounce back.) Write down the day & time you are setting aside. Add “Complete Grief Reflection” to your calendar/planner. Great job keeping your commitment to practice grief.
Grief Reflection Guide: In a journal or on a separate piece of paper, write a letter to yourself or to God about your grief (look to question number 1 if you are unsure where to begin). Be reasonable and just attempt to tackle one area you want to process or work through. Ask yourself questions such as: What was I hoping would happen in this situation? How did the situation disrupt my expectations? Did I address how I felt at the time? Is there anyone I need to apologize to? What reality do I need to accept about the circumstances?
After you complete your letter, consider reading it aloud in a safe place. List some reflections about how this process went, what you experienced, and a topic to tackle next.
An excerpt of The Heart of God: Through David’s Eyes by Jill Ng